Fumbling and Bumbling and Everything in Between

Over the course of this journey to discover my true self and to live transparently and authentically, I have come to the conclusion that humanity is flawed. And that's not to say everyone is operating through a veil of disillusion, but rather that each and every one of us has our weaknesses, and our times of indecision and, let's face it, poor decision. But it is through these moments that we get a glimpse of what it's like to expose ourselves in our rawest form.

Living authentically is hard. It's extremely hard. Because society pushes and pulls us in a way to steer us in other directions. It doesn't mean that getting off the path causes you to lose your way. But I have discovered that there are times when I give in to the guilty pleasures that I also feel wrapped up in shame about. The rabbit holes that exist in a deeper, darker plane. I get stuck in there, my mind swirling and going into areas that I know should be kept covered. And then I find my way back to the surface, feeling shame for taking part in my own internal demise. But living authentically means acknowledging it. Owning up to the fact that we as humans are not perfect people and we never will be. There is too much luring us into other spaces that we cannot resist. Sitting with the shame and the feelings that come about from these diversions and reconciling with yourself that it's okay leads us to developing a stronger core of our life. And it will happen again, and again because we are human. 

Over the last year, I have been going in and out of my own process of self-worth and facing fears of change. I am grateful to have people in my life who understand my process and have patience while I work through these things in order to move forward. I am blessed to feel the consciousness of making my own decisions. While I know I still have codependent tendencies, I have the recognition of them and I have worked through some of the many traumas, all the while fumbling around in my own pool of love for myself and for those around me. Time and patience and gratitude. Those are still my guiding forces. Patience with myself when I falter, patience with my progress, and patience with my experience. Taking the time to slow down, taking the time to breathe, and allowing time for the natural evolution of things. For all of this, everything, I have overwhelming gratitude.

Every day is a new day to traverse the tepid waters and reach for new heights, and while that sounds like motivational nonsense, it really has a place here. Because every day, we don't fail; we are human. And humanity has flaws and its okay to feel shame and to have these experiences. But each day is a new one to work through why these things occur and how you can look within yourself to be your own light. Every day is a day we can figure out our shit. There is no timeline, no due date. It's the living of those sacred spaces and moments of standing still and everything in between that results in our own chaotic and beautiful existence.