Vulnerability
Back in 2017 when I was first back in therapy after oh, a 25 year hiatus, I was asked if I felt I was vulnerable with my partner. I honestly thought I was. I thought that vulnerability was sharing intimate moments and being willing to relinquish yourself to another. I didn't really understand it. I even Google'd the definition. That just confused me more. I thought I was sharing my thoughts, feelings, challenges and weaknesses. I was as vulnerable as I could be with my partner at the time. Come to find out later I was seriously guarded. As much as I tried, something was holding me back from being seen completely. I was afraid to lose everything I had in my life. I had a real fear that if I exposed myself, my own trauma and my own fears, that I would disappoint not only my partner, but myself.
It is no bullshit to fear your own evolution. Breaking yourself down and exposing the darkest parts of yourself is the hardest thing you can do. Jump forward to the beginning of 2019 when I did just that. I never thought I could even break through the solid barrier I had built around my feelings since I was a young teen, but piece by piece, I dismantled my own being and exposed the rawness within my soul. I had nothing to lose, and everything to lose, all at once.
In the beginning of this journey to discover the depths of myself, I found Brené Brown. I first watched her two Ted Talks on vulnerability and shame. I listened to them over and over - while I was hiking, while I was sitting, before bed...it all just clicked. I was beginning to understand vulnerability and what it means to be seen. It was like she was reaching straight out to my soul and speaking directly to me. I realized I had turned my life into a cautious, "watch your step", anxiety-filled space and even with everything me and my ex had worked to obtain, I realized I had lost my spark along the way and I was tiptoeing around my life. Somehow, I had diminished my own sense of self in parallel to a scared little mouse. Over time, I realized how that happened and why, and this isn't the space for that. Let's just say, I came to understand it wasn't just me, but a whole lot of other toxic shit that I am glad to have finally made peace with and let go.
Brené opened my mind to understanding that it's okay to feel shame. It's okay to get it wrong. What is important is that you show up and be seen. Sometimes it's doable; other days, it is pure torture. It exposed me to the very core and I felt like I should just crawl into a hole and rot away. So weak. Not enough strength to push through. I felt embarrassed, defeated and so very low. But vulnerability isn't about weakness. It's about courage. And sitting with shame and feeling it - to it's very core - is essential. Brené's perspective on what it is to be truly vulnerable absolutely changed my life. If I could recommend one book and only one, it would be "Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown. I cannot imagine where I would be today had I not read this book. And yes, I have read it multiple times.
This had been my starting point, and without hesitation, I will share this experience and how much I have grown into myself to become someone I love. That's right - loving yourself. It's the idea that often gets left behind, yet it is the most important aspect of our being. I'm including the links to these two very powerful Ted Talks. I guarantee they will get you thinking differently. Let me know your thoughts.
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